Sometimes I Forget

Last week was wonderful. This week has been so hard. I don't know why - if it's just readjusting to a schedule, my kids are making me pay for leaving them... a combination or what. Josh has been into throwing temper tantrums or just ignoring me until I've asked him to do something 20 times, we moved Anna into Josh's room so there's always an adjustment period that involves less sleep for everyone, and I started doing the P90x fitness program. I decided that I get to a certain point about 10 pounds over where I want to be where I just can't make anymore progress unless I do something fairly intense (marathon with Josh - this with Anna) It's been fabulous but it has made me more tired - I have to wake up at 5 to feasibly do it - and Justin has been insanely busy with many different responsibilities and will continue to be so for the next couple of weeks.

Anyways, I don't want to just whine there is a purpose to this. The day after we got home I was trying to unpack, clean etc. Anna was screaming, Josh was throwing a fit and both were making messes faster than I could clean them up. It was only 8 am and I already wanted to cry - instead I yelled at my kids, which of course only made them cry harder. So I went in my room took a couple of deep breathes, and came back out. I gathered them both in my lap and said, let's say a prayer - josh looks at me with reproachful slightly terrified eyes and agrees. So we asked Heavenly Father if we could have a happy day and feel his Spirit and peace and.... it worked. The day wasn't perfect, but it was in perspective. Now this was the first day of a frustrating week and I forgot many more times, however it came home again to me today on my way to Costco while we were driving by a middle school. It took me over 45 minutes to get out the door, couldn't find my keys and Josh was incessantly asking me questions - I don't like to kill the questions - but seriously it was driving me crazy. Then we passed the middle school and I thought - it won't be long until they are there, I just have a short time to fortify them against all the crap in the world. It's such a small window and it's so important to fill it well.

So that made me fill better or at least more focused - I turned up the music and convinced Josh to listen to it for a full five minutes before talking again....

It's so not easy sometimes - Costco was awful, Anna pooped all over her crib today, while I was writing this Josh came out of his room again and wouldn't stop talking and I gave him the second spanking that I know of in his life - I do not condone spanking by the way - you think that would quiet him down but not so much - both kids screaming - that's probably why spanking is not the best approach. Justin keeps asking me what's wrong - nothing in particular it's just hard sometimes - it's so hard to explain... Then I feel guilty for feeling like this when I have such a wonderful life and so many more blessings than so many, I feel guilty for not getting more work done on our business, let alone any projects that I have, then I wonder if I'm just weak and crazy....and sometimes it's so hard not to forget why we do what we do - whether or not you have kids - just with life in general...

I went in and apologized - then yelled - then apologized - both still screaming, I think I better just leave them there....

Look at those sweet faces, pray, focus, adjust attitude, overcome, find joy.