Prayer

I don't usually publish more private posts like this, I just leave them in my blogger unpublished in the correct order and print them out as I print out the rest of my blog.  But this time I just wanted to publish this,  sorry if it's a little too personal...and be aware I will probably take it down when I have time to think about it, but for now my kids just got up.

Prayer is power.  I know this, yet I don't think I know how to truly use it.  I pray about my kids.  I pray about my life, I pray for others, I pray in gratitude but often when I pray I feel like I stop before I'm quite done, I feel uneasy .  The only truly guaranteed uninterrupted time I have to pray is at night after the kids are a bed, and well, I am not at my best at night.  But I've been feeling a yearning - for lack of a better word, for a better connection with my Father.  I think I  need to REALLY learn to pray.

This thought was brought to the front of my mind again in Sunday school a couple of weeks ago.  We were discussing why Nephi was stronger than all of his brothers.  Why did Laman Lemuel, Sam and even Lehi and Saraih falter time and time again.  and it doesn't appear that Nephi ever did?  It would be so easy to falter to forget why you were in the middle of the wilderness starving and physically uncomfortable, so easy to rationalize away the original feelings that you had had from the Spirit.  One member of the bishopric pointed out how Nephi was constantly praying and teaching his brethern to pray.  He hypothesized that this was the defining characteristic that made Nephi able to retain an eternal perspective and purpose through it all.

Thinking about that made me nervous.  I am not super fantastic at prayer.  In fact, the other day, Josh told me, "You know Mom you shouldn't say the same things over and over.  You should say different things every time"  Aaach more stress, not only do I need to be better but I need to teach my children...

Lately I have been praying about what to do with Anna's speech.  I feel uneasy about it.  When she stutters it just breaks my heart.  Her pediatrician told me not to worry about it, that made me uneasy,  I looked into having her evaluated at the learning center, that makes me kind of uneasy as well,  I learned that she can be evaluated for free at Bloomington Hills elementary and attend a preschool there if she qualifies, that makes me uneasy as well (mostly just because I love Josh's preschool and want her to go there).  So have I just not hit on the right solution yet?  or is it just up to me?  It reminds me of when I was praying about whether or not to marry Justin... I didn't ever feel an overwhelming, "YES!"  That's what you should do.  or a "definitely not!"  Finally Dad just said, "Maybe you get to decide and it will be fine either way."  So I decided that I did want to marry him, and if there were no objections from up above that's what I would do.  And I'm so incredibly happy that I did.. How do you know when that's the case?  I think it's time for me to start my own course, with the scriptures as my text on prayer..... I will need a notebook, and a plan of when I'm going to do this.

I think in the meantime I will take Anna to the learning center.... maybe....