How Many Kids Will You Have?

I love being a Mom. Really love it, even on the days I don't:) (days where there are 5 accidents in under an hour, one won't go to bed, someone's up all night, an almost two year old started throwing tantrums, and I feel inadequate to teach anyone anything....) And ever since I had kids I've felt like I should keep having kids, not only because I love watching them learn and grow and their hugs and kisses but because...... well what else is a Mom supposed to do? I know that sounds ridiculous, but I'm sure some of you out there understand that thinking a little bit. Justin and I have discussed the number of children that we want on several occasions, I always lean toward 5 or 6, him not necessarily so much. And not because of him really. He knows me, knows how many interests I have, how structured I am, how I like trips alone with him, and trips in general, and how I like to have my own time. He hasn't said it outright, but I think he secretly thinks he doesn't want to live with the me I would be if I were taking care of that many kids.

I have no idea yet how many kids we will have, but I have felt like we should be having another baby for quite some time - I did have a brief reprieve from that feeling for a couple months after the move, but it's back:) - and for a variety of reasons it hasn't been working out quite yet - currently it's insurance issues not medical, no need to start any rumors about our fertility - and I have been struggling with that. ...I actually got teary today and asked Justin, But what if Heavenly Father sends our baby to another family?" Thank heaven for a kind husband who answered me seriously and sweetly...I have a wonderful cousin who has 6 children who are all close together in age, she gets so much joy out of her family and seems to thrive on the challenge. There is no way my kids will be as close together as hers, but even if they aren't is that for me??? Is it wrong if it's not??

I know the answers to these questions rationally, but not necessarily intuitively right now. Then today I read our Power of Moms article for the month entitled Defying Gravity, becoming who you were meant to be. I was so inspired, especially since we had just set our family goals. And I spent the day in unusual productivity, spending time with my kids, taking care of the house, working on my own goals (working out, piano etc) and reaching out to others in several different ways.

Which led me to feel that I am OK right now with where I'm at. My kids are at darling ages, and are getting big enough that I have some time for myself. If I had a baby right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to accomplish half the things that I did today that made me feel so fulfilled. I know there are some people out there who can accomplish a ton no matter how many children they have, but I know myself and my desire for sleep and I simply wouldn't. So right now I'm OK with where our little family is at. I can feel, physically at times, at least one more little one waiting up there for us, but there is a time and a season for all things.

What I'm trying to say in a jumbled way is how much I've realized recently that each of us really has our calling. Some were meant to be mothers of many. Some were meant to be mothers of fewer (which is still a huge challenge) and accomplish other things as well. Some were meant to be in the workforce, Some kids thrive on having lots of siblings, some need more individual attention. Some mothers do well with chaos, some need order. Our needs are so varied. It is just amazing to me how we each have our purpose and how we can each discover what it is...

Tonight I feel grateful...